


The waiting

by beatleing



Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Genre: F/M, romelza - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 01:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11933472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatleing/pseuds/beatleing
Summary: Episode 3x09 filler. What Ross went through while he waited for his wife to come home that night and what happened after. If only Ross could talk to Demelza...





	The waiting

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, just after the season finale. Originally I posted it in Spanish and this is the translation...
> 
> Beta'd by the lovely Ladymadchan. Thank you so much for your help and suggestions!

ROSS

 

He could not wait to get home to tell Demelza what he had decided.  She was right.  Of course she was right.  If he was not the one who stood between the people of Cornwall and the selfish Bourgeoisie that only sought to take care of their own interests, who would?  Today he had made a fool of himself.  He had forced his friends, Dwight and Zacky to raise their arms against their own countrymen.  He had been more than stupid.  Had not Tholly helped him rescue Dwight? Or was not Paul Daniel one of his dearest friends? And all to protect George's storage sheds... Thinking again, it would have made more sense if he was leading the looting battalion. He had to tell Demelza. And talk to her about Elizabeth.

 Even if he didn’t want to, he would have to. Ross went back to revisit in his mind the nice speech he’d wanted to tell her when he returned that day from visiting Aunt Agatha's grave. Why had he not? Demelza would have understood, surely.  But Ross knew well that the words that would have come out of his lips would not have sounded as they did in his head.  And Demelza would have been angry with him, and the wounds of the past would open again. Since when was he so afraid of his young wife's reaction? Since when had he preferred to hide his thoughts when he had promised never to do so? It was not for Elizabeth, of course not.  That was over and their meeting had made it very clear. Was it out of shame? The embarrassment of having to tell the mother of his children that the fault he had committed was even worse than they thought...

And Demelza knew. Somehow she had found out about the meeting but not what they had talked about.  And now he would have to tell her if he wanted to reassure her. She would understand, maybe she would get angry and look at him with those eyes full of disappointment like she did lately, but when he told her that she was right and that he would follow her advice to run for parliament she would be happy.  She always was when he played by the rules.

Ross did not notice anything strange as he approached Nampara, it was still early in the afternoon and he didn’t expect to find his wife in the parlour, she would probably be upstairs with the children or in the kitchen making dinner. But when he entered his house he heard no noises on the upper floor or smell any scents from the kitchen.  He found only Prudie, sitting at the table and drinking his bottle of expensive rum. Something seemed to disturb her, her laziness had not been so obvious for years.

_'Where is Demelza?'_   He asked, and something in his maid's eyes made his blood freeze. Where was his wife?

_‘She’s out.’_  Prudie replied, almost whispering. It was still early but not so early for Demelza to be wandering alone when the threat of a French invasion was still latent. _'Alone?'_

_'She had a visitor'_. Prudie could not have been more clear.  She couldn’t look at him in the eye and Ross finally understood what was happening. His mind went back to the conversation they had had no more than a few hours ago. "Keep your secrets Ross, and I will keep mine." Demelza had not hidden what was happening with that "other" person, but Ross never believed that something was really going on.  Demelza would not be able to.  But what secrets did she keep? What else had Armitage told her?

He heard himself say _'Will she return?'_ And his own question surprised him because it had never crossed his mind that Demelza could leave him for someone else.

_'She said she would.'_ Prudie answered, and Ross still could not understand her look of grief and guilt. Demelza could not be far away, he thought lying to himself.  The sun was still shining and she would probably be on the beach. After checking that the children were sleeping, Ross went to Hendrawna.  Demelza would not abandon her children, he thought as he walked along the sand dunes.

Ross didn’t find his wife on the beach, instead he met George. Neither of the men paid attention to the state in which the other was.  But it was not difficult for George to recover and scrub all his achievements in the face of his worst enemy, even though these were not true. His political career was shaking, Elizabeth had threatened to leave him, and the doubt about Valentine's paternity still haunted him even when he had vowed not to mention it again. It was impossible for Ross not to inject more venom.  After all in what did he believe now? His only certainty in life, his only belief, he did not know where she was or with who. He returned home with a little hope that Demelza would have returned.  But he was not surprised to learn that she had not.

Ross tried to smoke his pipe but he hadn’t smoked so much lately and he couldn’t find the tobacco. He wanted to drink but Prudie had drank all the rum and now snored in the kitchen. And the only thing left was Demelza's port decanter. He tried to check the mine's books, but when he opened them he found the neat handwriting of his wife who had been handling the bills lately. Ross closed the book suddenly and went to the window.  It was now dark outside and he could not see the fields, only his reflection looked afflicted. A knot appeared in his chest, where was Demelza? It had been a long time since any social visit should have ended. Would she be in Tregothnan? Should he go and knock on the door and demand satisfaction from the lieutenant? No, he could not do it.

After a while he went up to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed on Demelza’s side. How much time had passed since that night when sitting there she had given herself to him waiting for nothing in return? He closed his eyes and imagined her entering through the door with that blue dress.  But Ross could no longer remember the face of the Demelza of those times.  He saw her with her coppery hair loose and neat, with the rebel strands fluttering over her face, the ring that he had given her in her left hand.  He saw her much more beautiful than that little girl who had only wanted to comfort him after a bitter day.  He saw her with their children in her arms giving them life.  He saw her strong and confident, unlike that young girl who left him when she realized that she could not take the place of another woman in his heart. “Oh God, what have I done?”.

He took off his boots, overcoat and vest.  He changed his dirty shirt for a clean one that was on his pillow and which he had not put there. He looked at the door again.  The children were asleep.  She could not abandon them... but him? How many times in the last months had he told her that he was not the man she wanted him to be? How many times did he say she must look elsewhere? He had never believed her capable. He had never doubted that she loved him, not even that night when they talked about Hugh.

Ross leaned back over the blankets on the bed.  His senses still alert in case he heard any movement in the house. Where was she? What has she been doing all this time?

The knot in his chest prevented him from breathing normally.  What would he do if Demelza did not return? What would he tell their children? No, she would return, if not for him for Jeremy and Clowance and Garrick.  She would never leave without Garrick. The hours he spent looking at the canopy of the bed seemed years to him, it was cold but he could not move. Is this what Demelza had spent that night when he went to Trenwith? She had wanted to stop him but he did not listen.  Now she had given him every opportunity to stop her but he had done nothing.  If anything he had encouraged her.

As the minutes passed Ross realized she would not come back. He could not longer think of anything else. He felt a tear forming and falling down his cheek.

He heard no noise, just saw the door open and Demelza entering the room. Ross sat down on the bed, his heart racing again, and the air coming back into his lungs. She stood for a moment near the door and neither of them said anything. Now he did not know if he wanted to know where she was before.  He just wanted to make sure she would stay.

_'I thought you would not return.'_ he said, his breath still faltering.

_'I thought it too, and yet here I am.'_ And to hear it from her lips, to say that she had considered leaving him was like a stab for Ross.

Demelza walked around the bed and sat down for a moment, then leaned next to him. Her face sad, her eyes filled with tears. Ross slowly rested his head on his pillow. What was it that afflicted her? That she had almost abandoned him or that she had returned to him?

_'Demelza, may I ask...'_

_'No Ross, ask me nothing.'_   She interrupted. So he had lost her after all.  She no longer loved him. But even so the bonds that bound them were stronger than they were.  And Ross couldn’t contain himself and turned his body to his wife to take her in his arms.  And she did the same. Even if he had lost her heart Ross found comfort in having her in his arms.  He had never promised her anything and nothing had he’d given her.  And now Demelza sobbed on his chest for someone who was not him. He hugged her harder.  And so the minutes, the hours passed. Demelza calmed down and her breathing became easier.

It was almost dawn and Ross had not been able to sleep.  A while later whispered over her hair, _'Please don’t leave me'_

Demelza did not move when she replied, _'I will not leave you, Ross.',_ then lifted her head from his chest and rested it on her pillow.

_‘I thought you were sleep’_ Ross said without looking up or raising his voice.

_'Do you talk to me while I sleep?'_

Ross turned his head towards her. _‘Sometimes.’_ He answered.

_'It's good to know that you talk to me somehow. What is it that you tell me?'_ Demelza asked, whispering. Ross whirled his body even though he tried not to touch her. He said nothing and Demelza insisted anxiously.

_'And well?'_

_'I don’t know Demelza. I don’t know if I speak aloud or just imagine that I say things in my head ...'_

_'Why do you not want me to leave Ross?'_ Demelza asked after a while.

_'You're my wife.'_ He said without hesitation and watched as her eyes filled again with tears and her gaze went to the ceiling.

_'Yes Ross, your wife. I'll always be.'_ Demelza turned and faced away from him.  Ross did not know what to do or say. She was there, but he felt she had not come back.  She still had her green dress on, and her neck was exposed. Ross approached cautiously, wrapped his arm around her waist and touched her neck with his lips. Demelza moved away almost instantly.

_'Ross, no...'_

_'Why not? Do not you love me anymore?'_

_'Ross...'_

_'Do you love him?'_

_'Ross no...'_

_'When did I lose your heart, Demelza? I used to be your whole life.  You lived for me... When did you stop loving me? What did he say to get you away from me?'_

_'He did not tell me anything to keep me away from you Ross.  It was you. With your whims, your stubbornness, you do not listen to me.  You lie to me, you hide things from me... That's not love Ross, and you, you promised me...'_

_'I did not break my promise Demelza, what happened with Elizabeth...'_

_'I do not care about what happened with Elizabeth anymore. What’s done is done. Neither one of us can turn back time and undo the past.'_

Demelza lay down away from him again and covered herself with the blankets. The first rays of light were already peeking through the windows. Ross remained motionless for a moment and then leaning on his elbow, he came closer to her, this time his lips near her ear whispering...

_'I... thank you for coming into my life Demelza. For having given me a family.  I never imagined my life this way and now I can not imagine it any other way, without you. I tell you that I am sorry, that I regret having hurt you.  And I imagine you say that you forgive me despite what I did and despite the consequences. I tell you that I'm afraid I'm not the man you want me to be, that I'm afraid that I'm not worthy of you. But more than anything I tell you that I love you, as I have never loved or will love anyone.  And I imagine that you tell me that you love me despite all my mistakes.'_

Demelza remained motionless for a long time, and Ross lay back down on his side of the bed. Soon it would be time to get up.  The children would wake up and still nothing had been solved.

_‘Why do you not tell me those things when I'm awake?’_ He heard her mutter, _'Why do you ignore me? Why don’t you listen to my advice? Why do you go and leave me alone?... '_

_'Demelza...'_ , Demelza turned on the bed to look at him.

_'Why did you let another man come close and be attentive to me? And I told you and you didn’t do anything.  It's like you do not care…'_

_‘I do care...'_

_'And why did you do nothing then?'_

_'Demelza ... You're the one who should have stopped him... You're a married woman, not a silly girl who gives in to the first man who crosses her path...'_ Of course Ross realized what he said in the moment the words left his lips. Demelza sat up abruptly and got up from the bed.

_'Oh, Ross, I can’t go on like this anymore... That's exactly what I am to you, a silly girl, only that the first man who crossed my path was you. But I've changed Ross, and I want more than this…'_

_'Do you want him?'_ Ross asked, leaning against the back of the bed.

_'No! I don’t want him... Hugh... he's my friend, I know he doesn’t see it just that way but that's what he is for me. He makes me feel special, makes me feel unique and desired.  He tells me things that I never thought a man could say to a woman, he listens to me and...'_

_'What kind of things?'_

_'I don’t know Ross... he writes poems to me, he recites me poetry, he talks to me about love and how not having me seems an agony to him. He drew me a portrait one of the first times we met...'_

_'You know I can’t do that Demelza, I'm not that kind of man. If that is what you want...'_

_'I must look elsewhere?'_  She concluded. _'Why you always say that, and it's not what I want, not really, you know what I want…'_

Ross knelt on the bed and moved over to where she was.  Without coming down the bed he took her hands and pulled her to him.

_'You're right, I should not say it, not when the alternative is within reach of your hand...'_

_'You should never say it.'_

_'I will never say it again. And I do know what you want, you and me, the children, our house, Garrick, lit candles, the scent of freshly picked flowers... I’m sorry if I did not follow your advice, you were right about that too. Yesterday I realized I must speak for the people of Cornwall.  Last night when you were not at home, I was going to tell you that the next time they offer me the candidature for Parliament I will accept it.  I mean, if you agree... As for the rest, I apologize.  I do not recite poems or know how to draw.  But I'll try if that's what you want.  You know, I never wanted anyone to paint your portrait, not for lack of attention towards you.  But because I do not believe that even the most talented artist can capture your beauty Demelza. I’m sorry to not tell you those kind of things.  I always believed that you knew them but I understand that after what happened you doubt me... You do not have to doubt, and about that encounter with Elizabeth…'_

_'Ross...'_ , he squeezed her hands for her to let him keep talking, Demelza did not interrupt him again.

_'That meeting was a coincidence, it was the first time I saw her in a long time, the first time I met her alone after that night. I also hurt her, Demelza, and I owed her an apology.  And the kiss, that was just a farewell among old friends. Maybe now, after you found Hugh, maybe you can understand me better. You say you do not want him, you do not love him, but do you still love me?. I do love you Demelza, all versions of you. The girl who gave herself to me and who used to brighten my days with her occurrences, my young wife who triumphed in every step she made, the one who conquered each of my acquaintances, the wild creature that allowed me to tame her and make love to her, the mother of my children, my partner, the woman waiting for me awake with hot food when I arrived late at night, the lady who walks in my arm and makes all the men feel envious of me for having her, and also the one that requires and demands things that I never thought I could do, I love them all... I love you Demelza...'_

_'Even after last night?'_

_'Yes.'_

Demelza looked him in the eye and Ross felt he could see her soul. Yes, even after what happened the previous evening, he still loved her.

_'I love you too, Ross.'_

Ross tried to kiss her, but Demelza turned her head to the side.

_'I am sorry. I'm really sorry, Ross.'_

_'It's alright my love, I know... When can I kiss you again?'_

Demelza looked at him again.

_'Soon. Very soon. Tonight if you want to...'_

_'Yes, I want to. I'll wait impatiently... '_ Demelza smiled at him and he returned a mischievous half smile. _'Come, let's get back to bed and try to get some sleep'_

Demelza allowed Ross to help her remove the corset, the skirt and the petticoat, and as she settled into the bed, he closed the curtains so the sun would not come in.

 

 


End file.
